Is it foolish to believe that one can obtain clarity on the complexities of life at 2 o’clock in the morning? I am a black and white thinker by nature, (if you haven’t gathered that by now through my blog), so perhaps that is the greatest influence in what follows. However, these disclaimers acknowledged, I hope we can let truth speak for itself….

I was lying awake, my husband away on a church retreat, and it struck me: for all my attempts to believe I am a worthy, upstanding individual, who holds firm and righteous convictions, at the end of the day, even these are mirrors and smoke.  “The heart is deceitful beyond all things, and desperately wicked,” the great prophet Jeremiah judges.  My heart moves towards obtainable objectives like smoke soaks up air. Yet, “obtainable” though they seem, these goals, dreams, aims, are all in fact one perplex, twisted ball of thick, knotted yarn — one vain attempt to rule my life on my own. “This achievement will satisfy me” I think, despite past failed attempts.  “This quiet music will still my restless spirit, calm and comfort my soul,” when in actuality, only God dishes out peace to anxious hearts.

I know what is best. That was the lie Adam and Eve believed, and the lie that continues to transgress our world as we know it.

And the curve ball is that we are driven by this foolish hope that we’ll actually achieve a satisfactory life on our own, without the help of anyone else. We can figure it out.  So despite the vanity of all previous searches for the satisfaction that does not go away, it instead evades us. Why do we keep searching for it apart from God? How deep does this rabbit hole go?

The clarity I achieved tonight is simple, so simple that I will not warrant it further explanation. (And I’m tired and probably should be sleeping right now…)

Every aspect of my life lived apart from the direction and guidance of the Holy Spirit through the inspired Word of God, and the person and example of Jesus Christ seen both in Scripture and in the every day lives of believers around me, will repeatedly and utterly fail to fulfill because it is simply an attempt to rule my life, when in fact God through His Son Jesus is meant to have full authority, and sway over my life.

“I surrender all”…not because duty calls me to, but because I cannot rule my life successfully.

I surrender all…

I surrender all.

Father, you alone know how deep the rabbit hole goes, you know my foolish heart, and its traps and tricks that lead me to believe outright lies. You’d think it’d be simple. You were clear in your Word revealed to us through people like me, passed down to us from people like me. But my heart, in all its wickedness, cannot be convinced. Please, Father, take from me what my lingering hands still grasp. Do not let me rule my life, help me to no longer continue to stumble about unsatisfied. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I — lead me into your perfect and holy Truth, that Truth that ultimately and will one day finally and completely set me free.