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Eden's Mirror

Looking into the mirror of God's story

Obituary

3 miscarriages, 3 babies born alive. Maybe someone will write that in my obituary some day.

Obituaries are funny things. How does one sum up a persons life in just a few short words? It doesn’t seem fair. So much life happens in even just a few short years!

But how does one write an obituary for one whose life started and ended in just a few short weeks in the darkness of the womb? One whose life we only knew existed just three days earlier. One whose life doesn’t even come with a name.

Some parents name their babies lost in the womb. We never could. I don’t even know the gender of this child, how could I name them? How can I name someone I’ve never met? Someone whose life is but a breathe?

It doesn’t seem fair. In the one sense, it isn’t fair. This child and I both had no say in this matter.

On the other hand, I am a wretched sinner, born into a cursed world. Nothing is fair here, but not in the sense you’re thinking. It’s not fair to God that we shun His loving kindness every day. It’s not fair to God that like spoiled children at a birthday party, we take His gifts without gratitude and run off to play, insisting on our own ways. It’s not fair to God that we scoff at Him, laugh at Him, shake our fists at Him even though He alone gives us the very air we breathe and the very life sustaining our heartbeats. It’s not fair to God that we ignore His beauty and call our dung-pits our greatest joy and happiness.

No. It’s not fair to this innocent child or to me that I should have to be the vessel of death for yet another child. But it’s not fair that God should tolerate the ingratitude we all cherish in our hearts toward Him.

But God is merciful. I at least got to know this child existed. This was no “chemical pregnancy”. A life was conceived and his or her human genes were detectable by our modern day technology. They existed. I have the positive pregnancy test still sitting on my bathroom sink to prove it.

And God is merciful. I asked Him to take this baby quickly if that was the plan, and He did. Just one day shy of 5 weeks gestation.

And God is merciful. If I had known my obituary would have read that only half of my pregnancies would go to term when we first started to build our family, I’m not sure I would have been able to come this far. But He gave me my beautiful Arie and beloved Heidi, before the cycle of loss began. And in between miscarriages two and three He gave me Nadia. Our child whose name means Hope. Maybe we will conceive again. Maybe we won’t. But God is merciful. And I can count on His mercy to follow me again. All the days of my life. Just like the Psalmist said:

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. – Psalm 23:6

And so to my baby, I write this:

Beloved child, you are God’s. You were never mine. God gave me the honor of being the vessel of your life and death. In this way, I am honored to mirror to the world what Jesus did for us all: He who knew no sin became sin for us — He carried death in His body. Just as I now carry you. I do not know your name but I will meet you in Heaven some day. And there I will learn God’s purpose for you. For He created you and He took you home to be with Him. And that is so much the better for you anyway. I love you my cherished child. I ache for the day when I can hug you and we all can be known as we are truly known by our King. Until then, wait for me. All my love, your Mama

Comfort

My ten month old is teething something crazy right now and she literally can’t bear the moments when I leave the room without her on my hip. There is a part of me (probably bigger than I’d care to admit) that finds it incredibly annoying. I am coming back to her, most likely within moments. The logical side of me says “why can’t she just be patient and trust me?” The experienced side of me says “she is just a baby, and she’s is in pain, and she doesn’t want to be alone in that pain.”

These verses in my recent journey through Psalm 119 have stood out to me:

“My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word!” – Psalm 119:25

“This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” – Psalm 119:50

It struck me today how odd my baby’s behavior feels to me: she’s in pain. I could give her some Tylenol and she would be fine. But when she is in pain, she doesn’t question her pain. She simply calls out to me instead. My presence is her comfort. When I hold her, she ceases crying. She’s not expecting me to take away her pain, she’s simply finding comfort in my presence and being with her in her pain.

I find the same to be true with people. There is a popular video that surfaces every now and then on my social media feed that demonstrates this concept: what people in pain need most is just someone to come and sit with them in their pain.

I find a different expectation with God. I think because He is divinely powerful and knows all things, I limit my expectations of His comfort to be a relief of my pain. And when He doesn’t give me the Tylenol effect, I so often wonder what comfort He has for me at all.

When do we lose what my sweet baby understands so well? At what point have we simply lost the ability to receive comfort purely by Gods presence? I think I have much to learn from my baby in this.

God doesn’t wrap His arms around me physically. But He gives me what He calls His body —- the current physical manifestation of His presence, His church, the people of God. There have been very few seasons in my life where God has not provided at least one person that I can send my “9-1-1” text to in request for prayer, no less find an able, willing and very present physical person to let me cry on their shoulder in my pain.

But on those days where friends are distant, and I feel all alone, Psalm 119 reminds me I have the comfort of Gods Word. It doesn’t seem at first glance like an easy source of comfort. But He has told us (in the Psalm references above) that His words give life — that our comfort in our affliction is His presence mediated through His words. His words are, after all, living and active words – words that literally created our world into existence. If He can create a sun and moon with His words, I ought to be quite confident He can communicate His presence through His words too.

But I struggle with this. Why? Why is there a part of my heart that shudders every time someone reminds me to find my comfort in Gods Word when all I want is relief from my pain?

I have learned there are many reasons for this problem in my heart but one of the main reasons is that I just haven’t listened well enough to it. Because if I was listening, I would be reminded of how the Psalmist felt as he prayed to God, and I would realize I am not alone. “My soul clings to the dust, give me life!” If I was listening, I would hear how Jesus says that “in this life you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world,” (John 16:33). I would hear God promise me that His love is steadfast, and His mercies are new every morning. Listen for one moment to this great sufferer of pain in Scripture:

“…my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD.” Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” – Lamentations 3:17-23

This man feels that his soul remembers his pain more than God does. If you’ve never felt that way, I’m sorry to say but I am sure you will at some point. Our world is so full of grief and pain, it’s kind of hard to miss it.

But. God has given us hope. The hope of His coming, and the hope of a world coming without pain, and the hope of knowing His steadfast love in a way where we will never be left unsatisfied again. “This I call to mind, and therefore I have hope.” If we want to find comfort in Gods word, we must first call His words to mind. We must listen to them.

It’s the equivalent to me holding my baby girl and reminding her as she cries that I am right there with her, that she is not alone, and that I know better than she ever could that her pain won’t last. How much more true is that the message of Gods word to us in our pain? “I’m here. I will never leave you or forsake you. You don’t have to be afraid. Your pain won’t last, and I will be with you through to the end.”

Our pastor said a couple weeks ago to expect comfort in Gods words. (It was a great sermon, listen to it on the August 30th link here:)

Sunday Worship Resources

I found his words so helpful. If I don’t expect Gods word to comfort me, it won’t. But if I hold out in belief that what He says about His word is true, that He offers us His comfort in His words, then I hold Him to that — much like our Psalmist did in Psalm 119. “My soul clings to the dust – give me life, according to your promise.”

Are you holding God to His word – to His promise to give you life through His word? Or are you limiting the comfort He has for you by expecting some Tylenol for your pain instead? I beg you, ask Him. Demand it – don’t be afraid. The Psalmist said “gimme, gimme life, God.” So ask Him for life! Such a request is grounded in His promise to give it.

My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word! – Psalm 119:25

Comfort

My ten month old is teething something crazy right now and she literally can’t bear the moments when I leave the room without her at my hip. There is a part of me (probably bigger than I’d care to admit) that finds it incredibly annoying. I am coming back to her, most likely within moments. The logical side of me says “why can’t she just be patient and trust me?” The experienced side of me says “she is just a baby, and she’s is in pain, and she doesn’t want to be alone in that pain.”

These verses in my recent journey through Psalm 119 have stood out to me:

My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word! – Psalm 119:25

This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. – Psalm 119:50

It struck me today how odd my baby’s behavior feels to me: she’s in pain. I could give her some Tylenol and she would be fine. But when she is in pain, she doesn’t question her pain. She simply calls out to me instead. My presence is her comfort. When I hold her, she ceases crying. She’s not expecting me to take away her pain, she’s simply finding comfort in my presence and being with her in her pain.

I find the same to be true with people. There is a popular video that surfaces every now and then on my social media feed that demonstrates this concept: what people in pain need most is just someone to come and sit with them in their pain.

I find a different expectation with God. I think because He is divinely powerful and knows all things, I limit my expectations of His comfort to be a relief of my pain. And when He doesn’t give me the Tylenol effect, I so often wonder what comfort He has for me at all.

When do we lose what my sweet baby understands so well? At what point have we simply lost the ability to receive comfort purely by Gods presence? I think I have much to learn from my baby in this.

God doesn’t wrap His arms around me physically. But He gives me what He calls His body —- the church, the people of God. There have been very few seasons in my life where God has not provided at least one person that I can send my “9-1-1” text to in request for prayer, no less an able, willing and very present physical person to let me cry on their shoulder in my pain.

But on those days where friends are distant, and I feel all alone, Psalm 119 reminds me I have the comfort of Gods Word. It doesn’t seem at first glance like an easy source of comfort. But He has told us (in the Psalm references above) that His words give life — that our comfort in our affliction is His presence mediated through His words. His words are, after all, living and active words – words that literally created our world into existence. If He can create a sun and moon with His words, I ought to be quite confident He can communicate His presence through His words too.

It’s the equivalent to me holding my baby girl and reminding her as she cries that I am right there with her, that she is not alone, and that I know better than she ever could that her pain won’t last. How much more true is that the message of Gods word to us in our pain? “I’m here. I will never leave you or forsake you. You don’t have to be afraid. Your pain won’t last, and I will be with you through to the end.”

Our pastor said a couple weeks ago to expect comfort in Gods words. (It was a great sermon, listen to it here).

Sunday Worship Resources

I found his words so helpful. If I don’t expect Gods word to comfort me, it won’t. But if I hold out in belief that what He says about His word is true, that He offers us His comfort in His words, then I hold Him to that — much like our Psalmist did in Psalm 119. “My soul clings to the dust – give me life, according to your promise.”

Are you holding God to His word – to His promise to give you life through His word? Or are you limiting the comfort He has for you by expecting some Tylenol for your pain instead? I beg you, ask Him. Demand it – don’t be afraid. The Psalmist said “gimme, gimme life, God.” So ask Him for life! Such a request is grounded in His promise to give it.

My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word! – Psalm 119:25

Pandemic Ponderings

“Is this virus Gods consequence for people who don’t love Him?” My five year old’s beady little eyes gazed at me with genuine interest.

The virus hasn’t taken as much from our family as it has from many many others. My husband is still employed. My kids were already homeschooled. And we live in a small apartment complex where the three families with kids all agreed to the risk of letting them continue to play together in the gated courtyard. We really can’t complain.

But it has affected my children in small ways. No more play dates, no more going to church and Sunday School, no more visiting with their Great-Grandma. And three times, a scare of being sick with COVID kept our family inside isolated by ourselves for a few days in fear of coming down with the sickness, and the fear of spreading it to others. Most recently, our month-long trip to visit family in another state was threatened to be postponed or cancelled due to one of these scares. So it’s been enough of an effect for my five year old to wonder why this invisible germ keeps dragging on and interfering with her life in these ways.

Her question had me reeling in its brute honesty. There have been times my heart has asked the same. Is this hurricane, this earthquake, these wild fires – are they judgment from God? How do I answer her question? So much is loaded into it: how do we understand God and current events? Is God just watching from above but not interfering? Or is He madly throwing hailstones down on us like He did with Egypt so long ago during the 10 Plagues? We don’t have a prophet interpreting the times for us. Or do we?

In all the stories of Scripture, we see a theme of God bringing about earthly hardship for the purpose of drawing people back to Himself.

In Deuteronomy 28-29, when God is outlining His covenant with His people, He provides the sequence of events they can expect if they continue to disregard their part of the covenant. From droughts and famines, to being overtaken by enemy nations, ending with a 70 year exile, God warns them ahead of time of the judgements that may come if they disobey His rules for them.

In the book of Judges, we see that promise begin to be fulfilled: the people disregarded God, judgement came through another nation overtaking them, and then repentance occurred – they cried out to God to save them. God answered by sending a deliverer.

The judgement cycle continued on the charted course when Israel continued to disregard their promise to God to do what He says. True to His Word, eventually they are hauled off into exile as the “ultimate” punishment. But 70 year later, just as He promised, God raised up a Persian king who returned them to their land. The punishment of exile had been completed.

In this way, we see how God gave a warning of judgment, how all that was required of Gods people to receive deliverance was to confess their need of Him, and how He faithfully and consistently gave them chance after chance to remain steadfast in living out their need and love for Him.

So it seems clear that at least for Gods people, judgment came in a concrete form, and only with warnings and ample opportunity to repent before and after the fact.

But what about the other nations? This is where we see the role of the prophets. In Scripture, the minor prophets (such as Joel, Obadiah, Amos) tell the story of times where God is warning His people AND other nations of judgement to come. The familiar story of Jonah is a perfect example of this: God wanted to warn Nineveh of His coming judgment for their refusal to repent and follow Him, so He sends the reluctant prophet Jonah. In this story, Jonah’s reluctance is juxtaposed beautifully with Gods eagerness towards Nineveh. It’s Jonah that is hesitant to want to offer them a chance — Jonah who wants to see them suffer Gods judgment for all those years of disregarding Him. But God is so bent on being just, fair and compassionate, that He pursues Jonah to the depths of the sea, to make sure that both Jonah and Nineveh know His willingness to withhold suffering if only Nineveh confesses her need of Him. And once Jonah finally gets it, and does what God asked of him, Nineveh repents and God relents from sending His judgment.

This story and others in the Minor Prophet books of Scripture reveal Gods heart toward the world. He is truly slow to anger and compassionate towards people in their sin. He wants them to turn back to Him as their deliverer, and He is not silent in inviting them to this.

How does all this answer my little five year olds question? It addresses her concern this way:

1) God never sends judgment and punishment for sin without giving ample warnings and opportunities for people to repent. God is slow to anger. And His warnings come to us in the voices of Scripture that warn of a coming day of judgment, a final day of judgment, where there will be ultimate exile of those who refuse His offer of love and relationship.

2) The only repentance required is for people to confess their need of Him. God is not expecting people to fix their lives up, to pretty themselves first so that He will hear their prayer. He is so ready to forgive, all we have to do is ask.

3) Since we don’t have a prophet announcing Gods judgment, we can never be certain that any kind of natural disaster or world event is God punishing the world. But we can be certain that it is an opportunity for any who are not relying on God, to turn to Him and ask for His loving protection.

But what about when bad things happen to people who love God already?

The answer of course is Jesus. This was the word I gave my daughter:

Because Jesus has already received the full punishment from God for our sins, there is no punishment left. That means, no matter what bad things happen in our lives, we can be certain beyond a shadow of doubt that God is not punishing us. Because He has already poured out that punishment on His innocent Son in our place. That is why Paul can say in Romans 8:38-39, that nothing can separate us from His love. No physical, circumstantial hardship, neither death nor life, nor angels or demons, not the present or the future nor any power under all creation… there simply is no hardship we face that can indicate God is punishing and judging us. And so we need not fear, no matter what comes our way. For those who put their trust in Jesus, God is on our side.

Soul Searching

This a very personal post. This is me doing some soul-searching reflections as I make sense of a COVID-19 society right alongside the rest of you. That means my writing might not be as pretty, and it is mostly targeted at sharing quite frankly how I’m making sense of things on my end. I hope however it serves as an opportunity for you to get to know me a little more and also to spur your own thinking as you process this happenstance in your own way. That is my intent in sharing it.

This quarantine has been an upset of some form to everyone. The entire world is dealing with it. Last time the whole world got involved together to this extent was probably WW2, if I understand my history correct.

Yesterday I was scrolling Facebook and came across a video of a dad rising to the challenge from his teenage daughter to do a dance-off. The mom was video recording it and the other sister was MCing the music. The video made me cry. It was so obvious to me that this family had been cooped up for a while together, like the rest of us. They were getting creative. They had gotten past that initial process of reconnecting that has to happen after you’ve been living separate lives for a while. They were having fun together. A dad, who normally worked, and a teenage daughter who normally would prefer her friends, now found a way to enjoy one another. It was stunningly beautiful. Who knows, maybe this family was always that connected? But it made me realize that their story that I imagined in my head was probably closer to reality for a lot of families right now, and that is such a beautiful redemption of this plague that has turned our world upside down.

I know for me, I have been surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed the extra time at home with my girls. We are already a homeschool family so that has admittedly helped. But we have had time to climb into subjects I’ve been wanting to cover with them for a while: geography, microscope time, read-aloud chapter books, creative writing. And I’ve gotten in more reading lessons with my kindergartener than I have all year, because our days aren’t clogged up by all our extra activities. Granted, we all miss our friends. But I think we’ve been missing each other a little more lately, especially having brought a new baby into the family this hear. So I think we are all finding this time to be a gift for our family. I pray the same is the case for you.

Such a drastic sudden change has given me much pause for thought as I suspect it is for many of you. Why am I enjoying this more than I expected? What should that mean for us moving forward into the future? Do we drop our coops? Do we keep our schedule less cluttered? I mean it’s something a lot of us struggle with in this land of opportunity. We don’t want to miss out. We don’t want our children to miss out either. FOMO is contagious that way.

I’m not making any decisions right now. It’s not the time to plan. But it does make me wonder what perspective God is offering us all through this time.

Are you willing to ask the hard questions? Such as: am I afraid to die?

I asked myself that one last night as I perhaps foolishly read yet another hospital account of the virus. People are dying alone in hospital hallways right now, here in our country, in New York City. Dying alone. I had to ask myself: what if I get it? I have a 5 month old baby who is so attached right now I can’t even set her down for her naps anymore. What would happen to her if I got it, and had to be hospitalized, if I died? She has refused bottles, and can’t do most formulas because of multiple food allergies. What if my hugs today end up being my last with my children because I come down with a fever in the night?

These are honestly terrifying thoughts. One could say I shouldn’t be thinking that way. I would much rather not be thinking that way. Perhaps they are just anxious thoughts. But they are the reality for some of us. And so if I don’t ask those questions, will I be ready if it happens to me? And if it doesn’t happen to me, it may happen to someone else. Am I missing the opportunity of perspective that comes from answering them?

Am I afraid to die? Yes. I don’t want to die alone in a hospital, barely breathing, with limited care available to me.

I am a Christian. So I know that means there is an answer for that fear. I must bring my heart towards that answer, for Hebrews 2:14-15 says “that through death Jesus might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.” Scripture is clear when it says that Christ has disempowered Satan by removing the fear of death. So I know I don’t have to be afraid, not really afraid. And that’s because the kind of fear of death Jesus has delivered me from is the fear of the judgment that comes on the other side of it. Hebrews 9:17 says, “And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment.” We are all going to die some day, whether by the corona virus or something else. That judgement won’t assess how many good and bad things we’ve done. Ultimately it will assess whether we received or rejected the incredible free gift of forgiveness of any eternal consequences we rightly deserve for the bad things we all HAVE done. If I receive that Christ has taken that consequence upon Himself in my stead, and I have thus submitted to Him, I do not need to be afraid of the judgment that comes on the other side of death. Because I know regardless of what happens to me here, I am safe on the other side.

But are you? Could you confidently say that you will be spending eternity with God?

If you can’t, why not?

These ARE the questions you should be asking right now. They are even scarier to answer than pondering yourself or a loved one catching the corona virus. Because the answer bears eternal ramifications that cannot be reversed. Death is reversible to God. He did it with Jesus and some day we will all experience that resurrection. It’s just a matter of where you’ll end up on the other side when you do.

My friends. Ask the hard scary questions. Face the reality of what is happening right now. Don’t miss it. This is your opportunity. It could be your last opportunity, for no one knows the day or the hour of his death.

Don’t miss out. Yes, this is me encouraging some FOMO – the right kind of FOMO.

If you don’t know the answers, or you’re too afraid to answer them, let’s talk. I’d love to have a virtual conversation with any of you about this. Because what happens on the other side of our earthly death IS a matter of life and death.

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