3 miscarriages, 3 babies born alive. Maybe someone will write that in my obituary some day.
Obituaries are funny things. How does one sum up a persons life in just a few short words? It doesn’t seem fair. So much life happens in even just a few short years!
But how does one write an obituary for one whose life started and ended in just a few short weeks in the darkness of the womb? One whose life we only knew existed just three days earlier. One whose life doesn’t even come with a name.
Some parents name their babies lost in the womb. We never could. I don’t even know the gender of this child, how could I name them? How can I name someone I’ve never met? Someone whose life is but a breathe?
It doesn’t seem fair. In the one sense, it isn’t fair. This child and I both had no say in this matter.
On the other hand, I am a wretched sinner, born into a cursed world. Nothing is fair here, but not in the sense you’re thinking. It’s not fair to God that we shun His loving kindness every day. It’s not fair to God that like spoiled children at a birthday party, we take His gifts without gratitude and run off to play, insisting on our own ways. It’s not fair to God that we scoff at Him, laugh at Him, shake our fists at Him even though He alone gives us the very air we breathe and the very life sustaining our heartbeats. It’s not fair to God that we ignore His beauty and call our dung-pits our greatest joy and happiness.
No. It’s not fair to this innocent child or to me that I should have to be the vessel of death for yet another child. But it’s not fair that God should tolerate the ingratitude we all cherish in our hearts toward Him.
But God is merciful. I at least got to know this child existed. This was no “chemical pregnancy”. A life was conceived and his or her human genes were detectable by our modern day technology. They existed. I have the positive pregnancy test still sitting on my bathroom sink to prove it.
And God is merciful. I asked Him to take this baby quickly if that was the plan, and He did. Just one day shy of 5 weeks gestation.
And God is merciful. If I had known my obituary would have read that only half of my pregnancies would go to term when we first started to build our family, I’m not sure I would have been able to come this far. But He gave me my beautiful Arie and beloved Heidi, before the cycle of loss began. And in between miscarriages two and three He gave me Nadia. Our child whose name means Hope. Maybe we will conceive again. Maybe we won’t. But God is merciful. And I can count on His mercy to follow me again. All the days of my life. Just like the Psalmist said:
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. – Psalm 23:6
And so to my baby, I write this:
Beloved child, you are God’s. You were never mine. God gave me the honor of being the vessel of your life and death. In this way, I am honored to mirror to the world what Jesus did for us all: He who knew no sin became sin for us — He carried death in His body. Just as I now carry you. I do not know your name but I will meet you in Heaven some day. And there I will learn God’s purpose for you. For He created you and He took you home to be with Him. And that is so much the better for you anyway. I love you my cherished child. I ache for the day when I can hug you and we all can be known as we are truly known by our King. Until then, wait for me. All my love, your Mama